If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

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If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym


i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video


I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.


The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.


Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.


A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.


An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.


PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress


Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor