@DamonHunzeker

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

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@debon7

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

@ColesTwitt3r

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

@NippleAdam

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

@LuvPug

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

@realHamOnWry

Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.

@WineMummy

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

@TheToddWilliams

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

@AlexRogaski

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor