If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.