@EndhooS

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

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@sock_holliday

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

@KKAlThani

LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER

@MikeBigby

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

@MenHumor

Dear McDonald’s, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.

@notalogin

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

@MensHumor

Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?

@JessicaVarsity

I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert…or need to set someone’s house on fire. Either way, I’m prepared.

@QwertyJones3

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!