The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
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LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Dear McDonald’s, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.
Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert…or need to set someone’s house on fire. Either way, I’m prepared.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!