If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
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[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“Get out of the house. I live here now.”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday
Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away
Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Octopi are VERY SMART
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
You can call me tonight.