@EndhooS: If you're about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won't help you survive but it'll make an interesting headline.
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@Parkerlawyer: Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked. Now I'm just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
@upsidedowntrash: Genie: And your second and third wish? Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Me: Not cool, dude. Jan's just pregnant. Him:.. Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.
@Parkerlawyer: I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file. I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.