@EndhooS

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

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@murrman5

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

@shkeeber

“Knock knock”

Who’s there?

“Russia”

Russia who?

“Get out of the house. I live here now.”

@SteveSuckington

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

@KimmyMonte

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

@sonictyrant

Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run

@dumbbeezie

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

@mostlysharks

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

@AndrewNadeau0

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

@StevieKnip

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.