[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
hulk hogan: can i get a taco brother
scientist: that’s not possible
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?