If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
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Bite me again
– my bottom lip
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then