If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Danger is very dangerous
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile