“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
god: you’re a pig
god: you’re filthy
god: you eat slop from a trough
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.