If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.