If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

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Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks


If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.


Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.


Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter


Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”


I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex


Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.


I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate


“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement


I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.