If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

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“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”


I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.


Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.


Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it


Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?


god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing


when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold


wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!


How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.