If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
You Might Also Like
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
that wasn’t the question
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!