If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can鈥檛 be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can鈥檛 be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I almost walked out of the dentist鈥檚 office without putting my pants back on.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I鈥檓 almost 13 – I鈥檓 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I鈥檓 15.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I鈥檒l never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
having a bad day today. 馃様 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Me: You have two options. You can do as you鈥檙e told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I鈥檓 adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak