All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
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one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”