It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
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INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My biological clock is wheezing.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no