If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship by saying “look, I just need space” then you’re wasting everyone’s time.

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[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh


*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.


Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Me: Miller Light


Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.


My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.


[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree


Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?


Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average


the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions


[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today