If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
stop
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Ain’t no way
thinking about a very short hotdog
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.