@MouthOfSass

If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

You Might Also Like

@claire_mudie

If by “flexible” you mean “can I get my foot behind my head?” then yes, I am.

If you mean “can I get my foot back down?” then no, I am not.

@DanMentos

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”


“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

@imadepoopstoday

Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.

@DonQuickoats

Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip

@Jennco_W

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

@Cheeseboy22

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

@BobTheSuit

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

@briangaar

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

@roxiqt

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”