If by “flexible” you mean “can I get my foot behind my head?” then yes, I am.
If you mean “can I get my foot back down?” then no, I am not.
If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.
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“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.
Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”