Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.