If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

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If by “flexible” you mean “can I get my foot behind my head?” then yes, I am.

If you mean “can I get my foot back down?” then no, I am not.


[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”

“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks


Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.


Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip


Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.


If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.


Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?



If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever


DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”