@MouthOfSass
@claire_mudie
If by “flexible” you mean “can I get my foot behind my head?” then yes, I am.
If you mean “can I get my foot back down?” then no, I am not.
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@claire_mudie
@DanMentos
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
@Peauxtassium
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
@imadepoopstoday
Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.
@DonQuickoats
Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip
@Jennco_W
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
@Cheeseboy22
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
@BobTheSuit
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
@briangaar
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
@roxiqt
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”