If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
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I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Word!
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Thinking about Jeff
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
what day is it?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…