You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep