[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.