@Darlainky

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

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@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

@Demented_Jokes

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

@rachelle_mandik

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

@Book_Krazy

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

@JamieGreenlees

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

@ronnui_

Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse

Me: Tell my family I love them

@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@DurtMcHurtt

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

@mjkspeaks

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.