If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon