I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
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Finally achieved… world peas.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse
Me: Tell my family I love them
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.