This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
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Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.