If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
We need to put an American base on the sun
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.