If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Meow
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
and this one
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right