If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
FINE, I WON’T.