@scrueggs

If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re never alone.

Ever.

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@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

@Aspersioncast

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

@RummyLauded

I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.

@mack44_d

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

@3sunzzz

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

@Arrogant_Twat

My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.

Same thing.

@roxiqt

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.