@scrueggs

If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re never alone.

Ever.

You Might Also Like

@jergarl

It’s like my Grandpa used to say ,”The fight with grandma isn’t over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth.”

@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

@julezmac

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

@CrockettForReal

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

@SteveCarell

Flight attendant:”Would you like the chicken or the pasta?”
Me:”What would you suggest?”
Flight Attendant:”Eat before you get on the plane.”

@ABC

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

@Contwixt

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@DanRather

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

@coral_dew

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*