If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re never alone.


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It’s like my Grandpa used to say ,”The fight with grandma isn’t over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth.”


My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.


“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy


Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*


Flight attendant:”Would you like the chicken or the pasta?”
Me:”What would you suggest?”
Flight Attendant:”Eat before you get on the plane.”


Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.


In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.


I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.


If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.


[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*