If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re never alone.


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Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!


Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.


I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.


I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.


6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea


My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.

Same thing.


One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.