It’s like my Grandpa used to say ,”The fight with grandma isn’t over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth.”
If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.
You’re never alone.
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My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Flight attendant:”Would you like the chicken or the pasta?”
Me:”What would you suggest?”
Flight Attendant:”Eat before you get on the plane.”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*