“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit