With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
You Might Also Like
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.