me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
You Might Also Like
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Banana is the quietest snack
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
2022: I can fix it
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.