“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.
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Real men don’t hit you up late at night demanding photos of your naked body. Real men hit their desks with closed fists demanding photos of Spiderman.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Reward me for consistency please
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
“Alcohol doesn’t affect me”
*Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two taxidermy lizards*
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that’s not my wifes phone number at all.
She’s zero fun today