If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
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Got ya covered
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
found my next D&D character name
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend