@EricaLynnz

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

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@AnkCoupleTO

I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!

@yonewt

the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever

@jus4golf

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

@Mr_Kapowski

[kid’s party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents

@KeetPotato

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

@Ristolable

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

@novicefather

The gingham is holding a grudge because burlap and seersucker didn’t invite corduroy to their party.

Social fabric is complex.

@kDuncanG

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

@darinlovesbacon

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

@MouthOfSass

Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.