If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?