If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

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I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!


the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever


My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.


[kid’s party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents


[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”


He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor


The gingham is holding a grudge because burlap and seersucker didn’t invite corduroy to their party.

Social fabric is complex.


my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.


If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way


Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.