If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack