[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
*frowns in Scottish*
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My birthstone is kidney
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*