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@ddsmidt

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

@longwall26

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

@Jerrypleasure

[first day as a doctor]

me: u have breaked both your legs

patient: damn! so now?

me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice

@TheCatWhisprer

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

@michaelianblack

“The ankle so important to a basketball player.” Something the announcer just said.

@michaelianblack

Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.

@pmclellan

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

@_ElvishPresley_

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it