I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[first day as a doctor]
me: u have breaked both your legs
patient: damn! so now?
me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
“The ankle so important to a basketball player.” Something the announcer just said.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it