If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP