If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”


“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.


[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*


1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting


me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?


When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.


Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real


Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.


Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]