@WheelTod

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

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@3sunzzz

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

@vineyille

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

@seanforhire

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

@Kyle_Lippert

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

@SaraQDavid

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

@PaperWash

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

@noog

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

@buckweiser13

Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.

@BigJDubz

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]