If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
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[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Sheep
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
True statement👍😏😁
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*bites zombie*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not