If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story