If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.


My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80


I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.


The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.


[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”


The fact that other bad things are happening is not an argument against fighting a particular bad thing.


Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.


police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…


Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!