@Phook75

If you’re ever in a room where a doll should happen to come to life it would be prudent to leave that room

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@chuchugoogoo

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

@Faux_Ma

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

@TweetPotato314

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

@Beakmoo

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

@Brianhopecomedy

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

@AnkCoupleTO

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

@Home_Halfway

She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She’s cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night

@AimeeHelene1

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.