If you’re ever in a room where a doll should happen to come to life it would be prudent to leave that room

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Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.


I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.


Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”


A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.


I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.


It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists


ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem


“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.


I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.