If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Mornin
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that