If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic