I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
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The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.