911: what’s your emergency?
M: I’m out of ketchup.
911: miss I don’t think u get how 911 works.
M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family
I always click the unfollow button with my middle finger .
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Well if it isn’t my old nemesis.
Bathroom scale: twists mustache and laughs maniacally.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.