If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

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Me: Do you like my new negligรฉ?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.


Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework


[robbery in progress in the store I’m at]
*quickly remembers training from karate school*
*bows to robber*
*is kicked in head so hard*


My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.


Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.


ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.