If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
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Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
A choir of Spring onions
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
idk flipping houses looks really hard
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Siri: Retweet me.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.