If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now