if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
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idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
This will teach them to underestimate me
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.