If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
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If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.