@_SingleBabyMama

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

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@baconacid

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

@TheBoydP

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

@DCpierson

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

@iLightbulb

Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead

@StansaidAirport

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature

@quikkim

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

@david8hughes

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock