*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
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{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.