If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)