If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
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Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.