If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
What
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.