if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol