@Maxine12333

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

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@scot4bz

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

@bachelruckley

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

@DurtMcHurtt

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

@SamGrittner

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

@SJSchauer

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

@KrunkedRobot

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

@TuSoonShakur

[Arsonist Conference] This year’s award goes to Jim Buford—c’mon up here Jim. Jim, you really razed the bar for all of us.

@writeden

[shady back alley]

Hey kid, wanna smoke some salmon?