If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home


Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter



The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.


If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.


Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic


Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.


I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.


[Arsonist Conference] This year’s award goes to Jim Buford—c’mon up here Jim. Jim, you really razed the bar for all of us.


[shady back alley]

Hey kid, wanna smoke some salmon?