Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.