@TweetsByKaylee
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
@CharlieDinkin
If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.
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@TweetsByKaylee
@KenJennings
WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
@davidkenny100
Pal: on your date, don’t let her think you get jealous
on date
Date: the steak please
Me: So you know, I’m cool with you talking to that guy
@Prof_Peejay
Me: “You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass.”
Him: “So there’s still a chance?”
Me: “Let me ask my unicorn.”
@Swishergirl24
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
@LynneMcCarthy
Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it’s still running through the forrest
@CulturedRuffian
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
@BillFienberg
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
@AndrewChamings
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same