If you're feeling worried about how little you've achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn't write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn't kill anyone until he was dead.

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

@juliothesquare

One of the little birds that used to dress me in the morning just asked for a reference letter and it’s like mm don’t fully remember you tho

@Midgetspar

I only wanted one Duran.

@Donna_McCoy

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

@Marcmywords2

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

@InternetHippo

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

@neiltyson

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

@UncleDuke1969

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

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