@CharlieDinkin

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

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@juliothesquare

One of the little birds that used to dress me in the morning just asked for a reference letter and it’s like mm don’t fully remember you tho

@Donna_McCoy

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

@Marcmywords2

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

@InternetHippo

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

@neiltyson

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

@UncleDuke1969

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.