*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”