@CharlieDinkin

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

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@TweetsByKaylee

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

@KenJennings

WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief

@davidkenny100

Pal: on your date, don’t let her think you get jealous
on date
Date: the steak please
Me: So you know, I’m cool with you talking to that guy

@Prof_Peejay

Me: “You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass.”
Him: “So there’s still a chance?”
Me: “Let me ask my unicorn.”

@Swishergirl24

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

@LynneMcCarthy

Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it’s still running through the forrest

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

@BillFienberg

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

@AndrewChamings

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same