One of the little birds that used to dress me in the morning just asked for a reference letter and it’s like mm don’t fully remember you tho
If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.
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I only wanted one Duran.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.
Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Beer keg at party
-there are better ways to drink beer
The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.