me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.