*at the lingerie store
Me: Could you help me pick something out for my girlfriend?
Sales assistant: Sure, what’s your girlfriend’s body type?
Me: Exactly like mine.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now