@WilliamAder

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

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@DiscountLando

*at the lingerie store

Me: Could you help me pick something out for my girlfriend?

Sales assistant: Sure, what’s your girlfriend’s body type?

Me: Exactly like mine.

@CroweJam

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

@climaxximus

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

@graceful_asfuck

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

@dimplesticks

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

@SteveSuckington

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

@Carbosly

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

@hdurant

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now