If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.